Saturday, June 26, 2010

Parts War: Email

You're still thinking about him, aren't you?
Who?  The blogger dude?  maybe.  So what?
You should never have sent him that email.
Oh, come on, I send weird, gushy emails to writers from time to time.  What's the big deal?
Has he responded?
Not yet.
Yeah, I wouldn't hold my breath for that to happen.
Whatever.  He's busy probably.
If that makes you feel better.  He's probably on a date though.  Or extremely freaked out.
No way.  About the freaked out part I mean.  I've read a bunch of his stuff.  He wouldn't be freaked out by that.
[raises eyebrow]
Oh, knock it off.
You're just lucky there aren't international restraining orders.  yet.  stalker.
Yeah, that was a relief to find out.  Thanks Google.  Anyway, I am NOT a stalker, dammit, I am a reader.  And it was just the one email.
And now you're reading the whole blog.
Look, I already explained this to OutNumbered, okay?  How some people are with music, I am with writing.
As in, you hear a couple songs, then buy the album, then if you love it you buy all the albums. or download them or whatever.  Anyway, people do this all the time.  For me, I read a couple posts then subscribe to the blog, then if I am sufficiently fascinated I read all the posts.  I haven't been disappointed yet.
You have way too much time on your hands.
Well, duh.  But it's too hot to do anything productive outside.  So shut up.
X's most recent pity minion hasn't come back to help with the shed construction yet?
Nah.  I'm pretty sure he's still in jail.
At least he brought back the instruction manual before he turned himself in.
Yeah, that was nice.
X has very poor taste in minions.
That's because of the Encephalopathy.
You haven't written about X in a while.  How's he doing anyway?
Eh, still cirrhotic?  He was doing better but then he went to Carolina for a while and didn't take his meds.  Now he's all swollen again.
Has he seen a doctor?
How the fuck should I know?!  He dodged that question when I asked, remember?
X should not be fucking with his health like this.  Last time this happened he almost died.
I know.  But that was all the way back in February and since his memory resets itself every 12 hours apparently, it's like that never even happened by now.
That is so monstrously stupid.  But you're right.
Being brilliant is such a burden.
Oh, get over yourself.
I'm not brilliant?
After that psycho email you sent this morning?  Your brilliance is debatable.
It was not psycho.  It was complimentary.
And suggestive.
He writes steamy stuff a lot of the time, okay?  I was inspired.
Uh-huh.  I am positive he'll see it that way too.  As will the police.  You're a nutcase.
Whatever.  That could be a point in my favor.  Everybody knows slightly crazy girls are good in bed.
*cough* dryspell! *cough* months! *ahem*
Don't be a dick.  We don't need to advertise that.  That's by choice anyway.
You are very picky.
Not sleeping with married men does not make me picky.  It makes me still alive.
Good point.  But you should really get out more.
I'm not going to disagree with you there.
Or try another dating website?
You are not serious.
That guy the other day suggested plentyoffish?
That guy also said he didn't have a problem with Mail Order Brides because even if he was a loser he was more appealing than a Third World country.  Which I found doubtful.  But I didn't express that out loud.
Oh, right.  He wasn't even trying to be funny either.  It was impressive the way you didn't make a smart ass comment.
Yeah, but my jaw still aches from gritting my teeth.
Well, you're not allowed to break out the Superhero powers against the Idiot Collective at Dad's office.  You have to be nice to the patients.
Yeah, I had to put him on mute after that and just respond with the glaze-eyed beauty pageant smile.
Wise.  Checked your email lately?
Yeah.  Nothing.  Not since that dolphin slaughter forward from Dad.
Man!  That was gross!
No shit.  DELETE!
Maybe he thought you'd be concerned?
About a Danish coming-of-age dolphin-slaughter festival?  notsomuch.
But it's dolphins! and there was some kind of petition at the end.
You mean the Idiot Collective Tracking Roster?  Nuh-uh.  Not falling for that.
I am not that cynical.
Why?  Because you think that blogger dude is going to email you back?
[looks skyward.  whistles]
You're sure you don't want to sign that Tracking Roster?
Oh, be quiet.

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