The Dog Conflict

I don't want a dog.  I love dogs.  Always had a dog growing up.  First the adorable mutt, Sparkle.  My parents were clearly going through some kind of "shiny object" naming phase.  Then the gigantic Lassie-dog Collie, Bruce.  Named after a Monty Python sketch.  Then the Border Collie, Harley.  So named as result of my mother's love for biker culture.  They were all my mother's dogs.  She knew that.  There was never any "I promise, I'll walk him ehhhhvery day.  Pleeeeeeease?" begging on our part.  They were great pets.  Great dogs.  I love dogs.

But I don't want a dog.  X always used to beg for a dog when we were engaged.  He had some breed of spaniel when he was little that got run over by his own school bus as she was running to meet him at the bus stop after school.  Missy.  He was 10.  He's never gotten over it.  I mean, that is pretty traumatizing.  But still.  I told him that if we were going to get a dog, we may as well just have kids because they're just as much work and they last longer.  Hopefully.  Plus, he wanted a little dog.  A lap dog.  One of those yappy dogs I would just as soon punt across a room.  In my opinion a dog needs to be of a respectable size.  Pocket-sized is not respectable.  But that's just me. 

So we didn't get a dog.  We got two kids 19 months apart.  Brought in large part to this world by Red Hook ESB and Jagermeister.  Ah, my 20s.  Anyway, the kids are great.  They remind me of puppies who need constant training.  Or sometimes cats in a bag.  So it's totally the same, but better because...well...it just is.  Kids are better than dogs in my world.  I can't think of a real reason right now but they just are.

But now the kids want a dog.  They have been asking for a while about this.  At least a year.  Maybe two.  I always say no.  Not now.  Maybe another time.  Please don't ask me again you're starting to make me angry the answer is no.

And now they've got the outlaws in on it.  Do you understand this is five against one here?   This is an unfair amount of pressure.  I don't want a dog.  Dogs are work.  Dogs can't clean up after themselves.  It's just a couple more years before the kids are old enough to not need a sitter and I was really looking forward to more of my own freedom at some point and the idea of a dog just feels like another shackle to the house to me.  ohgodIdon'twantadog

It would have to be a shelter dog.  Nothing too small.  Medium-sized to big in fact.  Probably a boy dog.  So the kids can name him Trouble.  And they'll take turns walking him.  And the dog would be good protection for them if they were ever home without me.

[groan]

There's probably going to be a dog in my future.