I'm Just Sitting Here

So, I sit outside a lot. 

Outside usually likes me if Outside isn't spending its time auditioning for the role of Surface of the Sun.  There are trees and shade and an outlet in which to plug the laptop.  I angle myself around in sundial fashion avoiding the glare on the computer screen so I can breathe fresh air and not fold laundry and keep up with what all of you virtual people are doing throughout the afternoon. 

It's entertaining.  I like to watch.  It often feels like a round of double-dutch I have no idea how to jump into but you're mostly very quick and funny and you make me laugh and I'll try to jump in with snark and quick wittiness but I don't like typing LOL or any other version of that even though I do sometimes anyway but...I'm digressing. 

I spend a lot of time on the computer when I am outside.  Angling against the sun.

And the kids pop in and out playing with friends, asking questions...they just pop up out of nowhere a lot, okay?  So when I heard rumbling behind me on the deck today I thought it was them.  Or maybe from a neighbor's pet?  There was something going on behind me.  I didn't want to ruin the surprise?  It was a lot of rumbling.  I waited for the reveal.  Then there was  skittering.  Skittering?  The Things don't skitter.  They leap, they pounce, they yell.  No skittering.  The noise was weirdly loud.  How big is this pet I probably already don't like and just what the hell am I in for next?

I turned around. 

holymotherof ACK!  SQUIRREL!

flying right at me!  just over my head!  leaping from deck to tree!  Missing my head by a margin of ... what's less than millimeters?  holy god!  WTF!

TWEET!  because, c'mon, the computer is RIGHT there.  that is one tweetable moment.  a few people even liked it on facebook.  because when weird things happen...it's funny.  And I am all about weird, funny, relatable moments...with spellcheck involved.

Anyway this fucking squirrel...what the?  There were two of them.  Some kind of hormonal ritual?  Can you freak me out like that and make me slightly jealous from Squirrel World?  Apparently so.  fuckers.

And then later...I was attacked by a leaf.  A kamikaze damned leaf dead at the door and trying to panic attack me to the other side.  I just...it's...

It's a conspiracy, the entirety of Outside is trying to kill me and I need to move closer to the beach.  Because five miles from the Atlantic is TOO FAR.   

And I think I see a spider bite.  Or a very small vampire bite.  Either way...get me back to Aruba where the wind blows so hard bugs have no place to land and you don't mind the iguanas so much because even if they jump at you they probly won't kill you to death with rabies.

damn squirrels.  damn suburbia.