Sunday, July 11, 2010

Two Hour WTF Moment Anyone?

A couple of months ago I came up with a Working Theory that men who act all big, bad and dickish are generally the ones packing the least amount of heat in the downstairs area to back up this obnoxious attitude.  I may have received some confirmation on this today.  Not with an eye (or any other body part) witness account thankgod but just through random conversation.

I went to the beach this afternoon.  Flying solo.  Trying to enjoy my freedom, read my new Dean Koontz, people-watch.  Whatever.  Just an afternoon on the beach.  Okay, so this guy we'll call Steve decided that I was his object of prey for the day.  I groaned and died quietly listening as Steve declared to his buddy Frank (in full voice 10 feet away from me) that I am his new girlfriend.  After 30 seconds of conversation earlier that interrupted my reading.  Yes.  Love at first sight dear.  Pardon me for not swooning earlier.  The sun must have been in my eyes.  I'm thinking he might be a stalker so let's all take a moment to wave to Steve. Hi, Steve.

Anyway, Steve decided to chat me up as he was leaving the beach.  A leaving that would be delayed by approximately two hours of him not shutting the fuck up.  He gave me his business card in the first minute of that round.  Who brings business cards to the beach, you ask?  Shady, aging, loudmouth men who specialize in Prosthodontics. 

"Do you know what that means?" he asked.  Can you leer at somebody with words?  Whatever the fuck tone of voice that was, I'm pretty sure I heard drooling and fangs. 
Anyway, I said, "You make fake teeth." 
"oooo.  You're a smart one.  Mind if I sit down?" 
Thinking, what the fuck, I need blog material I said, "Sure."

Two hours, people.  He talked about sex and dating almost the whole time.  I also found out a lot that he's originally from New York.  Because he said that like 75 times.  But the accent gave it away in the first word.  But apparently he felt this was important to remind me.  Over.  And over.  He's going back in two weeks for his high school reunion (I'm guessing 40th?).  He doesn't like fake boobs.  He plays tennis.  Recently took up golf.  Likes to be bossed around in the bedroom.  LOVES sex.  Doesn't drink.  Doesn't smoke.  Can't find a woman with candor.  Had a long term booty call buddy in Manhattan.  Twelve to fifteen years according to him.  Lives with his mother.  Who "breaks his balls" constantly.  She used to beat the shit out of him.  Sounds like a real peach.  He is fascinated with the Tiger Woods scandal.  Called Tiger Woods the N word.  Lovely.  Is writing a book.  Mmm-hmmm, aren't we all.  Lives around the fucking corner from me.  Sleeps with his dog.  Would probably fuck his dog.  Possibly has fucked his dog considering the way he called her his "companion" in a really creepy way and is taking a picture of her to his high school reunion.  In New York.  Where he's from.  Candidly hypothesized about what sex with me would be like.  Several times.  Described vomiting in graphic detail.  Not related to sex though, that was some story from dental school.  Is really pissed off that 25 year olds won't go out with him.  Finds women in their 40s and 50s to be too jaded.  He's a glass is half full kind of guy, you see, no time for negativity.  And said, "So here's my question to you..." about 40 times but ended up talking about himself instead.  And swore constantly, which I don't have a problem with I just thought I'd mention that.

Oh...and the reason I know he has a small penis?  He said so.  That's why he's so upset about this Tiger Woods business.  Because, what chance does a guy like him have with "this little Jewish dick" if guys like Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan and somebody else I forget are "hung like horses and can pay for all this prime white meat."  Way to sell yourself, dude.  Don't ever say shit like that out loud.  But he really doesn't like fake tits and hookers anyway.  He's very spiritual too.  He is also a visual guy, anybody who tells you different is lying of course, and doesn't want to be naked with a woman who doesn't take care of herself (said as he rubbed his VERY round belly).  No time for liars either btw.  And, hey, he has skeltons, he guesses I may have skeletons.  So we should totally go out sometime.  Oh, it's cool because he's not into pedophilia or incest or anything.  Whew, good to know, thanks.  And he likes feedback in the bedroom.  Moaning, groaning, direction, general bossiness remember?  Which I found interesting because I doubt he ever shuts his goddamn mouth long enough for anyone to get a word in.  I'm guessing there would have to be a ball gag involved in order for Steve to be quiet.  And that's territory I'd rather not cover with that guy.  sorry.

Oh, there was so much more.  So, so very much.  I didn't even mention his views on family, divorce and parenting.  There were too many contradictions to make any sense of that stuff.  Or his opinion on Mel Gibson's latest horrifyingness.  Which I am pretty sure he excuses for some reason but I can't be sure because I had to put him on mute for that minute.

Knowing men like Steve exist in the world makes me feel okay with being single for the moment.  Also, I think that was a horrible generalization he made about the "little Jewish dick."  I don't have any experience with Jewish guys in that way though so we'll really need to haul you guys into the lab for testing.  I'm pretty sure the only Jewish guy I went out on a date with was to my 12th grade Homecoming dance and we never got to THAT moment.  And now he's my optometrist and married and stuff.  But he's super nice and the polar opposite of the big, bad, dickish type of guy so I'm guessing his wife is pretty happy either way.

Oh, Tomorrow.  What crazy ass adventures will you send in my direction?


jerrod said...

i like you.

2 hours for material?

yeah, i like you.

Silver said...

Well, I didn't mean for it to be two hours. But if that's what it takes...

jbg said...

You sat through 2 hours of that? You deserve a medal. I'm confused though. If his dick is Jewish, why would he defend Mel? Can a dick be a different religion than the rest of you? That would make for some interesting confessions.

Silver said...

I think there's some asshole guy code where they have to stick up for each other. Or at least shrug off hitting women because, eh, that's what some guys do. Like being left handed or something. Can't help it.

There has got to be some research to be done in the dick/religion area. I'll have to Google that later.