Thursday, August 26, 2010

Press 1 for Total World Domination

There are people in this world, believe it or don't, who do not immediately succumb to my will.

Shocking.  Yet true.  Totally and sadly (for them) true.  Because the "succumbing later" part might feel like temporary defeat.  But I promise it will be met almost immediately with heart swelling gladness once they witness live and in person that my plan for total world domination (i.e.: the Best Reunion Party in the History of EVER) is achieved.

Then they'll try to steal credit like, "I was the one who thought of this" type shit.

uh-huh.  I got a blog, dude.  Everyone knows you're a liar.  But thanks for your help eventually anyway.  You will be were my most favorite-est minion.  I'll have a lot of these thank yous to send out because holy cow it takes a village to make this thing happen.

A village that is largely unreturning my phone calls right now.  My many, persistent, POLITE phone calls.  I cannot use Jedi Mind Tricks if I cannot get people to call me back on the fucking phone.  Where in the hell did I put that hologram thingy?  Young Life director!  You're my only hope!

Tailgate party before the football game!  I have told people about this!  Other people have told other people about this!  There is BUZZ for god sakes.  A group who called themselves The Wrecking Crew back in the day (who I did not hang out with btw.  I was busy watching David Lynch movies with the Drama club on weekends and listening to The Wall on my tape deck 35 thousand times inarow probably) are dedicated to making this event a success.  And you're telling me churchy teenagers may fuck this up because they are supposed to have a tailgate at the same time and the parking lot is too small?!  ...thefuck?

Umm...have you met The Wrecking Crew?  I'm just trying to avoid bloodshed here is all.  I know you got faith and purity rings and stuff but these guys?  Trust me...just let us throw the party together.  I swear you'll still be talking about it at YOUR 20 year high school reunion.

I can make this work.  I negotiate.  I bring people together.  It's what I do goddamnit.  But I cannot do this if you won't. Call.  Me.  Back.

People should really learn to cooperate with me sooner.  All this balking is such a time waster.  Especially when I'm going to get what I want when it's all said and done anyway.  And people who learn to communicate with me do much better for themselves in the long run.  trufax! 

Dear Young Life, please host our tailgate reunion party.  You will look so cool after that kids won't even want to lie to their parents that they're attending your meetings and go out drinking on weeknights instead of showing up.  This is a strategic PR move for the both of us.

Work with me.  thx.
Much love,

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