Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Reason for Time

I had my first conversation about the future of computers being able to track everyone when I was in high school.  Late 80s.  My boyfriend at the time was going on an invasion of privacy rant and how would I like it if everyone could find things out about me?  I told him I'd kind of like to find out things about everybody and turnabout is fair play so I guess I'd have to check my inhibition at the door wouldn't I?  He wasn't expecting that.  I remember a brief yet thunderously pondering silence before he said something like I had a point.  His mind may have gone somewhere else for a second.  There's no way to be sure now.  But I'm pretty sure he continued on with his rant for a minute after.

And here we are.

Hi, internet/social media/blogosphere.  Love ya.  glad you could make it.

I heard a quote on TV tonight that I like.

The only reason for Time is so that everything doesn't happen at once ~ Albert Einstein via Mozzie on White Collar.

And I might have heard that before but it struck me tonight.

It's not all supposed to happen at once.  whaddya know?  so simple.  makes sense.  I never...wait...

I always felt like my life had two paths.

In one, I was going to be this High Powered PR Person spinning things like the Exxon Valdez situation and the toxic nightmare that is Plastic.  But I wouldn't only spin them, I would get the companies to actually contribute to the world for the greater good to offset their sickening amounts of evil.  Then?  I would get them to somehow for real BE good.  I would be very charming and subtly persuasive like that.  Like, Exxon would become green.  Plastic would cease to exist.  I would be a sheep in wolf's clothing who lead people away from the primrose path.  I would be single, childless, with a loft in New York with a todiefor view and an assistant to manage the thousands of invitations to fabulous parties with people of power because I would be a sought after person of power myself.  That's just what you do.

In the other, I was going to be a suburban minivan mom who stayed home with the kids and carpooled to soccer practice who threw dinner parties, did charity work, had an impeccably decorated home with valuable pieces of art on display and well behaved children who knew better than to point Airsoft rifles at them or run through the house and regularly try to kill each other.  I would have jewelery and dependable babysitters and a shiny car with a personalized license plate.  Oh, and of course the husband that would make that all possible.  That's just what you do.

But now.  Things are different.  It doesn't look like either of those paths here.  But it is starting to look like both.  Granted, with way less jewelry, babysitters and invitations...and, y'know, obvious lack of husband and no clear attempt at trying for Part Deux...but there's a strange convergence on the rise.  Which is weird.  like it.  but it's weird.

Because part of me wanted to have a secret life also.  Like a spy or a superhero.  But I know I talk too much and love the spotlight too much to maintain any sort of a secret identity for long so that was always more a fantasy than an actual goal.  Like a threesome.  One of those things that should just stay the fuck inside your head because that's probably going to be way messier in person than you expected.

But then came the blog.  My secret identity.  A place I get to think the thoughts of both paths.

And it's not that incredibly secret.  I know this.  spotlight and all.  but right now at this minute, it's just me here writing from the kitchen.  I close my eyes or lose my internet connection for a few days and you all go away.  Like I'm a one year old playing peekaboo. 

But then I open my eyes and maybe see you in real life and you remind me that I'm here.  And...I'm okay with that.  It actually makes me happy.  Makes me want to try on all the parts of me and walk out of the dressing room whether I'm sure they fit right or not.

There's something to be said for an eclectic design scheme.
When you look at it all together, the person behind it makes more sense.

And I've been trying to figure out who I am for a while now.
The writing has happened over years because it all couldn't have happened at once.

Like Time.

I'm not done yet.  Just reflecting.  New Year and all.

glad you could make it.

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