Friday, October 29, 2010

No thanks, I'm good right here

"I called the guy.  About gettin' that thing.  You found them things yet?  Yer goin' on Monday."

My mother outlaw opened a phone conversation with that this afternoon.  I had NO IDEA what the hell she was talking about either.  I always need more words from her.  Or none at all.  either way.  "Uhhh...what?" I responded.

"You know, for that...thing."
"Ooooh.  THAT thing.  right.  okay, Monday's fine."  what the fuck is this?  code or something?  No specific nouns EVER?!  totally ridiculous.  But I know what she's talking about now.  It helps to be a telephone psychic sometimes.

Translation: "I called the passport office about getting passports for the boys.  Do you have their birth certificates ready?  You and X have an appointment Monday afternoon to fill out paperwork."

"That thing" she was referring to is the cruise X wants to take the boys on over Thanksgiving.  I don't even know if you can get passports that quickly but heaven forbid I stand in the way of one of their brilliant last minute ideas.

Am I going on this cruise with them?  Absofuckinglutely not.  You are out of your mind if you think I'm stupid enough to do something like that.  Know why?  The last time X and I spent any amount of time together was last Summer when I went with them down to Carolina for a few days.  X and I got along fine.  We even took the kids to a concert together when we got back home.  Happy family fun time, right?  uh, sure.  We even went out to dinner just the two of us one night.  Why?  I forget.  Certainly not for reconciliation purposes or anything, there should be no confusion over that ever. Ever.  We were getting along; we're still friends most of the time.  We were just going to talk.  whatever.  It's not important.

Anyway, that night at the restaurant was from hell.  Utter hell.  I've never witnessed X wear a bigger ass hat without getting violent than he did that night.  Did you know it's possible to both proposition a waitress then insult her about something completely unrelated AND make up your own language in the space of two minutes?  I've seen it done is all I'm saying.  And you know those super schmancy bottles of Louis XIII cognac in the lit up case behind the bar?  Order as many of those as you want.  You want to shoot them back like cheap tequila?  seems a bit wasteful to me but cheers.  Just don't forget your wallet next time.  forthelove.

And then for reasons I cannot currently fathom, we went to an event together a couple days after that.  I split off from the party later on to meet up with some friends from college and X got jealous.  The next day he called my father for a meeting unbeknownst to me and told him that I basically slept with people in public that night and really hurt his feelings and that he was no longer giving me alimony from that point forward.  Lies of course.  Delusions.  The fact that my father didn't defend me against this wet brained cirrhotic insanity nightmare pissed me off like you read about though because not a word of it was truth.  And I was suddenly inspired to rip out all the carpet in the living room and paint 400 square feet of concrete in a lovely tile pattern.  We all have different ways of coping.

Anyway, X and I are friends again but the boundaries are clearly drawn.  We do not socialize near each other.  ever.  So, cruise?  please.  like I'm new.  No cruise.

But I'll go ahead and help the boys go on a cruise to the Bahamas for a few days.  X seems to have sobered up lately.  I'm taking his word for it.  I have faith this will not end poorly.  And I'm actually pretty skeptical the cruise will happen at all.  But I can't express any doubt to the outlaws.

Sometimes I feel like one of those patients in the psych ward who's just pretending to take her pills.


Anonymous said...

wait, we married the same guy what???

Silver said...

Hmmm...let's see...larger than life personality with a wicked sense of entitlement that often leads to bar fights? that's him.

Always Home and Uncool said...

If you were sleeping with people in public, he shouldn't give you alimony. He should give you bail money ;-)

Silver said...

First of all, I was NOT sleeping with people in public. And secondly, if I were...I wouldn't need alimony. I could probably make it up with the price of admission. ;)