Saturday, February 25, 2012

Welcome to My Personal Zombie Apocalypse

I found this in my yard a few months ago. It's mushroom that looks like a brain. See?  I just thought it was weird looking, but one of my facebook friends mentioned something about it being zombie bait. I hate zombies.

And now...?

The Zombie Apocalypse is upon me. The Dawn of the Dead. In the form of Ghosts of Boyfriends past. Well, none of them were officially boyfriends exactly but more like brief encounters and usually dripping with scandal.

They have come forth unbidden. or rather, not consciously bidden. I must have done something to summon them although what that could be is baffling the fuck out of me right now. This is exactly why I don't engage in voodoo; because with my luck it would work. I haven't even been practicing feng shui lately. I am mystified by all of this.

I buried them in my mind years ago and yet they rise from the dark recesses of memory and pop up on my computer screen with the seductive sparkle of electronic messaging. It's always a complete and total surprise.

Hey girl, I know we haven't talked in a long time, but I still think about you. I want to see you.

There are so many.  No less than five in the last two weeks. FIVE. in TWO WEEKS.

They're reading right now by the way. I'm almost nervous to ask who else is going to lurch forward with arms outstretched and hungry for brains. It's the brains they're after if they're reading, right? Combined with the lava lamp/venus flytrap/super secret sex kitten vibe I've been told I put off? I mean, I guess that's a pretty powerful recipe for whatever the hell they're looking to order off the menu.

Soanyway, everybody wave and say hi to every man I've been intimate with in the past 20 years. Hi guys. I really appreciate the readership and everything. But just because I didn't go all psycho crazypants and blow up your phone 73 million times after you dropped me like a hot rock does not give you license to come dead arm shuffling back in looking for another go round. It's nice that you're reaching out after months or years or decades or whatever, very flattering, but please. pleaseI'mbeggingyou...stop.

So what I want to know is what the fuck is on the other side of this gauntlet? Because I feel like I'm being seriously tested here. I feel like I accidentally wandered into some haunted forest and shit is popping out of the woods at every turn. I once said that being on facebook and reconnecting with all these people is like sifting through a box of evidence in some cold case file. Searching for that one missing clue that solves the whole thing and I figure out the purpose of life or something.

Is that what this is? Am I being presented with all these people with whom I've ever connected as a test to find out what I really want? Because I'm pretty sure I know what that is now. I've figured it out. Maybe they're just testing my resolve to see how serious I am about it. Like if I'll be so easily distracted by the shiniest memories from days gone by. Like I haven't learned anything from the unshiny moments.

I'm really not distracted. I really have learned. I am ready for the next level. It is only morbid curiosity that makes me wonder who might spring up next because some of you have come out of coffins I would have thought surely rotted to way past death after all this time if I'd thought to think of them which I didn't. I guess maybe the coffins have possibly rotted through enough for you to claw your way out of the grave? I'm not saying I'm not impressed, but it's kinda weird. I mean one or two was an odd coincidence, but FIVE? five. in two weeks.

Forget kinda, it's officially weird. Okay, and maybe a little distracting but only for the mass hysteria factor.

seriously what the godblessamerica is going on?

If you've contacted me and I haven't responded? I'm not going to.
If you've contacted me and I have? Don't get your hopes up  (or whatever else might be up...up), I'm not going down that road again.
If we had a thing this one time and you haven't contacted me since and you're thinking of it now? Well, in the sage words of Stephanie Zinone via Grease 2, "When you're dead, lie down."

1 comment:

Mom et al said...

I have had several similar FB moments over the past few years. I found it cathartic, proving to me that I am exactly where I should be. I am happy that you are in that sweet place where you know exactly what you want. Don't think of it as being tested; think of it as affirmation.