Friday, October 20, 2017

Off the Edge of a Cliff

I'm terrified of what's next and embarrassed that I don't have a better handle on my life at this stage in the game. I can't believe I let myself get fired because even though the job was a complete joke and I had absolutely zero business being there it still helped pay some of the bills and now I feel like I've just slipped off the edge of a cliff and I have no idea how or where I'm going to land.

I do believe everything happens for a reason, even when we don't know what that reason is. Maybe especially when we don't know what the reason is. I think that's something that you look back on later and think, "Wow...so this is where I was really supposed to be after all. If I hadn't fallen off that cliff, I'd never have gotten here." It's just that being in the middle of all this gravity is pretty overwhelming and I feel like I'm scraping and clawing at thin air right now and it's pretty damn panicky.

The feeling won't last forever. This too shall pass away. My mother always said, "Feel it; Learn from it; Move on." So this is my attempt at that whole shenanigans. I think the trick is not to get stuck in the Feeling It part. You can't just wallow in the air-clawing, despair because feeling like you have no ground under your feet all the time is pretty terrible and I've already found enough grey hair without inducing more.

Learning from it is the next step and maybe that's about processing the whole thing? I don't know if it's exactly about finding out the Why because I think that happens later. This is probably about getting a better strategy in place to avoid falling off this particular cliff again. Like a savings plan. And reminding yourself not to get caught up in doing things that don't feed your soul.  Granted, bills need to get paid, but...I can't get dragged into and distracted by a toxic rip current like that again.

Moving on...this is going to be the tricky part. I really need to get out of my own way in order to do this. Push past the fear and hesitation I have about being successful and independent and all of that that I've wanted for so long but for whatever reason have just been sabotaging myself everytime I get close and now I've put myself in a position where I've used up all my fuck-around tickets and I have to get my shit together for real.

Somehow it's all going to work out and I'll get through this but holy cow I don't know how that's going to play out and it wakes me up in the middle of the night in a dead panic.

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